Why wearing two hats?

The title of this blog, "Wearing Two Hats", is of course based on the multi-tasking involved in being a fairly new parent, and also holding down (and enjoying!) a challenging, absorbing job. I won't pretend to believe that I'm the first person to draw this parallel, but you have to pick a name from somewhere.

I've always wanted to believe that there aren't too many fundamental differences between men and women, and their roles. I was helped in this belief by having parents who had a pretty equal split when it came to domestic chores, and a husband who does pretty much all of our cooking, although I wouldn't say we have an equal split on other areas of domesticity!

When I was on maternity leave I knew that the domestic balance would change, at least temporarily - after all, I was in the house 7 days a week; it seems fair that I would do the majority of the housework etc in this time. When I went back to work, that balance changed again, and we got a cleaner - the house still isn't particularly tidy but it is at least clean.

This is all fine. The thing which I have struggled to process is this: once you have had a child, you can't get away from the fact that men and women have different roles. The traditional female role doesn't necessarily have to sit with a woman, but it does still tend to be the mother who reduces working time or gives up work entirely. For me, this took the form of realising that, by default, my life had changed fundamentally, far more than my husband's. He has a job which involves travelling; if he has a late meeting, or a conference which involves an overnight stay, or a meeting which involves a very early start, he books this in without checking with me. The assumption is that I will be available to look after the baby, take her to nursery etc. My job doesn't involve travel at the moment, although it has in the past, and may again in the future, As and when it does, I won't have the luxury of booking travel, meetings etc without checking his availability to do the nursery pick up.

The point I'm trying to get to, and I don't feel that I'm making this very clearly, is that although new parenthood is a massive change for men, the rest of their life tends to stay much the same - they only have to wear one hat at a time. For me, and most people that I know well enough to talk to about it, the motherhood hat is firmly fixed on my head; I put other hats on over the top, and hope that I haven't left too much of the other one showing.

A couple of examples...

 - We're going out for the evening. I organise the babysitter, get the baby ready for bed and settled in bed, wash the bottles, and somewhere amongst that get changed. Martin gets home from work, changes, and is ready to go out! I'm a mum and a...wife going on a date.
- Our morning routine - I get up and ready for work while a barely-conscious Martin looks after the baby. I then get her dressed, take her down for breakfast, sort out her stuff for nursery, try and eat breakfast at some point, and get us both out of the house on time. This is the same, regardless of whether Martin has to leave before me or is working at home...I'm always a mum and a...commuter.

I'm not actually complaining about this, by the way; we've settled into a routine that works for us and gives the baby some consistency. It just is a fact of life that my day to day mindset is always, now, affected by parenthood - I'm always "a mum and a...", and never just "a...". Perhaps others organise themselves differently, but I think the mindset is the same for everyone. Whatever else you're doing, somewhere at the back of your mind your brain is thinking about baby logistics. It's essential to do that to care properly for your child but it does create an extra pressure, and I don't think men are affected in the same way. I think I've accepted it now but it took me a while!